The Return of Surfer-Dude???

I am a woman that believes in grand gestures.

Having said that, I don't believe that I had ever experienced a grand gesture or really even believed that I would in my lifetime. There had been many opportunities for grand gestures. Times when I could have been persuaded by even the smallest of them. But it never happened.

Until now...when I got something substantially larger than a small grand gesture. It was truly grand.

Surfer-Dude is one of the most verbally un-emotional creatures I think I have ever come across. Any "serious" relationship talk of any kind sends him screaming in the opposite direction.

Thankfully I do boyspeak!
I'm able to tackle most relationships in lingo that's easy for him to swallow and relate to. I use crass language and say things like "but shit, ya know, it's cool. we can do whatever you want" and then I just gently nudge in the direction that I want him to go. That way, there's no pressure to find the words to fix something, but he gets the general idea of what I want and need.

I use pet names that are non-threatening. I call him "Buttface" much more regularly than I call him "babe" and tell him I'm going to kick him (sweetly) instead of telling him how happy he makes me.
Foreplay rarely includes roses and candlelight and much more often includes teasing and wrestling.
Don't get me wrong. For the most part, I actually prefer all of this. I'm not a gushy kind of girl. I'm a little uncomfortable with the modern idea of "romance" with all of its frillyness and ooze.

Because of my boyspeak abilities, Surfer-Dude was the first to drop the "I love you" bomb. And that man has the ability to hold so much love in his eyes it hurts me to look at him. I rarely need to hear it come out of his mouth. But sometimes a girl just needs some verbal affirmation.

Especially when there are problems in the relationship and all he can seem to point out are the negatives. The reasons that we shouldn't be together and the things that we should change about ourselves.
Especially when we're thousands of miles apart and technically broken up.
Especially since we are friends first and lovers second and there needs to be a distinction between the two.

So we tried the friend thing for 6 months. Most of the time it was fine. I think that Surfer-Dude is an amazing person. He's complex and rough around the edges and I can't help but totally and absolutely believe in him and appreciate him for everything that he is.

But sometimes it wasn't fine. I would get off the phone with him and feel horrible. I'd feel angry and empty and frustrated.
So one evening after one particularly frustrating phone conversation, I called him back. I was mad. I was prepared to end any friendship we had in order to get some closure.

Me: What the hell are we doing? We talk all the time and you want to come visit but you say you wont come if i'm seeing someone else. But you say you don't want to be with me. WHAT THE FUCK??!! Are you still in love with me or not?

Then the most amazing thing happened. Surfer-Dude's shell cracked. Then it completely broke open. He told me that he's still in love with me. That I'm one of a kind. That he doesn't care if I change anything about myself, that he wants me no matter what. He told me that he gave me up because he wanted me to follow my dreams and didn't want to hold me back. He told me how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he loved being with me.

With a shaky voice dropped to almost a whisper he told me everything that I needed to hear from him. Everything that I was positive I would never hear. Everything I had doubted was washed away in the most intense emotionally outpouring that I have ever been a part of.

Of course this was riddled with a lot of stuttering and extra words thrown in. But it wouldn't have been the same if it were cut and dry. It wasn't the words so much as the attitude behind it all. It was like hearing him say "I love you" for the first time all over again. So frightened and vulnerable and so human.
It also wasn't helped by me bawling throughout the whole thing.

So i don't know where this leaves Surfer-Dude and I. He's planning a visit. And possibly a move. Even though the gesture is done, I will need a follow through in order to stay sane about this whole thing.

But I love him. And I'm happy. All of the emotion and happiness that I have been suppressing for 6 months just keeps bubbling up until I feel overwhelmed with hope.

Thank you, Surfer-Dude for making me feel like a fairy-tale princess if only for a few moments.